I believe every artist has those moments where they doubt themselves and their abilities. For me, I went through years of self-doubt, which hindered my artistic progression. I was so engulfed in the work of other artist, whom I felt had triple the amount of talent that I could ever imagine possing. Why did I compare myself? I wanted the work I created to be just as good (or better) than I was putting out into the world. However, I wasn’t getting those results and I become dissapointed and hopeless. I expected greatness with little to no effort.
Looking back I realize how ridiculous I was for repeatedly whining because I wasn’t as good as the next guy. All I can do now is laugh at my past but also be thankful for where I am now. A while back I asked an artist I admired what words of wisdom he could offer for a uninspired young artist, and this stood out to me,
"….deep down I always believe that my art has purpose, a place in the world and an influence on people."
After reading that again tonight I am ready for a new challenge. So I have decided to start over. I’m going to give myself the chance that I didn’t allow myself to have when I was younger: to create.
Thirty minutes or so till midnight, I laid in bed dissappointed. I was dissapointed in myself for not taking advantage of my weekend; the only free time I have since starting my full-time internship two weeks ago. For as long as I can recall, I’ve always been an introvert and have grown accustomed to enjoying my own company. I don’t have a problem with being a loner, on the contrary I believe everyone should be able to enjoy their own company instead of relying on others for entertainment. The problem I was fighting internally was allowing my habit of staying at home to become a reason for not taking part in any activities. Why have I grown so accustomed too a life of a hermit? I’m a twenty-three year old, who has just returned from a mindblowing trip overseas, doing the same shit I had been doing before then..nothing.
I started to ask myself, “What do you want in life?” A simple question with a complex answer. At that moment I was unsure because I honestly didn’t know. I had allowed myself to become so immersed in distractions that I walked off my intial path; maybe that was the point. Maybe I was supposed to veer off into a different direction, in order to be put in the position I am now. Do I wish I chose to live my life differently? Never. However, now that I opened myself up to the realization that in order to properly live my life I have to put myself out into the world, I have a strong feeling that I won’t be lost without a purpose for long. So you know what I did? I hopped out of bed, pulled out a pen and paper, and made a list of habits that I wanted to be rid of for the rest of my life. This list consisted of the very reasons I was held back from so much in life and I was not having it anymore! Once I was done, I balled it up and threw it away; just like that.